Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Colorado cell clump personhood ammendment . . .

The latest attempt by the increasingly detached extreme right evangelical fringe to challenge Roe v. Wade is Colorado amendment question #48, which defines the newly fertilized zygote (Zygote now that it's a person?) as a "person."

Proponents of the amendment make no bones about the ultimate target, repealing Roe V. Wade and making abortion illegal. . . at least wherever they can.

Even the Catholic church has concerns about this extreme ballot initiative, fearing it could lead to rejection in the courts and the reaffirmation of current abortion law.

The masterminds behind #49 are undeterred. They thought beyond the current amendment. After conducting extensive research into the issue I have found out the following plans by the brains behind Amendment #48 regardless of its success or failure:

". . . the next election cycle will see us propose potential "person" status legislation protecting sperm and eggs prior to fertilization."

This is according to my confidential source, who we shall refer to as Aunty Onanist.

Aunty further claimed ". . . this new status for sperm and eggs will not only prevent the loss of actual persons through the killing of potential persons via the use of contraceptives, it will also prevent the waste of potential human life through masturbation and gay sex."

When confronted with the problem presented by menstruation, Aunty said, " . . . We have provided for that eventuality in our legislation. Women who do not manage to fertilize every egg they produce over the course of their lifetime, despite valiant attempts to do so, will only be charged with involuntary manslaughter. Men who willfully waste the persons God has given them will be dealt with much more harshly."

Aunty initially seemed flumoxed by the news that a man ejaculates millions of sperm in a single emission, only one or two of which would have the potential to fertilize an egg. Still, the prospect of mass murdering good faith ejaculators didn't stop Aunty for long, "Well, the amendment isn't finalized yet. Maybe we'll have to restrict men to donating their sperm and all procreation will be done in the lab so that we don't waste this precious resource."

That brought us full circle to the current amendment. Aunty had no answer for the concerns of some that left over embryos created by In Vitro fertilization would be persons in limbo under the proposed amendment. She promised that there were billions of good christian women out there willing to bring all these potential people into the world. She had no suggestion as to how these people would then be clothed, fed and educated. "We'll leave that to God", she said as she turned her back on me and walked off into the perpetual fog of the clueless.

Meanwhile I was left to contemplate the prospect of our court system clogged with the claims of billions of unutilized sperm.

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